(TIW) – In a mind-boggling tell-all, Neil Armstrong has revealed to the world that he has never had sex with a human being … although he wouldn’t exactly call himself a virgin! The first man to ever step foot on the moon sat down with The Insider Weekly to discuss his sexual experiences both on earth and on the moon:
TIW: Neil, I just want to say thank you for giving us the opportunity to break this amazing story.
ARMSTONG: There’s no other publication I’d rather be talking to right now than the New York Times!
TIW: We are not the New York Times, we are The Insider Weekly. We’re mainly an internet news provider.
ARMSTRONG: … Alright that’s fine I guess, I don’t really care, I’m just here to blow your fucking mind! The whole world’s mind!
TIW: Neil, in July of 1969 you spent over 2 and a half hours on the face of the moon with Buzz Aldrin, we are here today because you have news about something very special that happened to you in those hours.
ARMSTONG: Yeah, I got laid! Best day of my life! Never had sex before that never had it after. She was my true love and I’ll never tarnish her memory by sleeping with anyone ever again. Not even if I was paid one million dollars.
TIW: Neil, I know this is old news to you but you must know that you are confirming the existence of life outside of our current understanding. Please tell me more about this extra terrestrial that you engaged in sexual intercourse with, start from when you first saw it.
ARMSTRONG: Well me and Buzz had been on the face of the moon for about 45 minutes, we had split up to try and collect as many samples as we could … and that’s when I saw her, my moon-woman. She was ugly, she looked like a big pile of mud, but like mud thats bleeding or something, it was gross. I walked over to her and she startled me by speaking, she said, “Hello.”, just like that. I greeted her back and we started talking. She told me that her name was, “Turd”, obviously I started laughing and explained to her what that means on earth. She though it was hilarious too and we clicked immediately. She walked me over to her house, it was a small place in the Mare Imbrium crater. Before I knew what was happening she was kissing me, I had a mouth full of magnificent mud, it was amazing. Slowly we both undressed and we had the best sex that I’ve ever had in my life. I’ll never forget that day and I’ll always love my Turd.
If you are still reading this you are probably wondering, “huh, I thought Neil Armstrong died in 2012”. Well you are wrong because we just talked to him when he did this interview you fucking idiot.