Every Hour of Sleep You Don’t Get Each Month Takes One Day Per Week Off of the End of Your Life


(TIW) – A 20 year long study conducted by researchers at Boston University has finally concluded. The results? Shocking.  Franklin Jelly, the lead researcher and tenured professor at Boston University, published his findings in Highlights Magazine.  Over the past 20 years Jelly and his team followed the sleep patterns of 20 lucky subjects to answer the age old question: Does the amount of sleep you don’t get each month effect the amount of time you will have left per week at the end of your life? Jelly spoke with us about his findings first stating his frustration with how long the whole thing took. 

“It was never supposed to take this long.  I guess we never really thought it through.  None of us really realized that we would have to wait until all of the subjects died for any sort of meaningful conclusion to be observed. Our condolences to the friends and family.”

And wait they did.  Every night for the past 20 years the subjects of this sleep study were monitored, recorded, and massaged until their respective deaths.  Jelly and his team used nonparamentric and bayesian methods to finally conclude that each hour that an individual does not sleep per month will result in 1 less hour that person will live for per week at the end of their life. We here at The Insider Weekly were stunned when told this latest scientific discovery and as a measure of good faith, have made sure to spread the word of Professor Jelly. Hug your kids, eat right, and make sure that each hour you do not sleep per month does not result in 1 less hour that you will live for per week at the end of your life.


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