Weekly Horoscope With Witch Janet!


Aries – You need to quit your job. It has to be today. Get up, call your boss and quit. If you don’t do it right now you may forget. Good luck. -Janet

Taurus – The person who you think is your closest friend has not taken a shower in 4 days.  He/she thinks it is not a big deal because he/she wears deodorant.  You must end this relationship or you will die from smell. -Janet

Gemini – Your life has become too superficial, you need to reduce.  Send everything you own to The Insider Weekly’s office. -Janet

Cancer – No more sitting. It is killing you. You look awful. -Janet

Leo – You must buy everything you see in any infomercials this week, the planets demand it. -Janet

Virgo – You ARE gay. -Janet

Libra – You will be approached by a hooded figure in the days to come. RUN! -Janet

Scorpio – A lost love will soon be in contact. Make sure you kiss them. No matter the cost, or struggle, you must win them back. Love conquers all. – Janet

Sagittarius – Do not drink water. Drink Gatorade. You’ll need it for a mighty run. Ocean Blueberry is now in stores. Is it in you? – Janet (Sponsored by Gatorade)

Capricorn – Your friend Jacob has gonorrhea. You’re welcome – Janet

Aquarius – Find the nearest wishing well and make a wish for inner beauty. But watch out! You may wake up to a stinging sensation in your heart. And pimples. – Janet

Pisces – Your inner child is screaming to get out of that big body of yours. Lose some weight and maybe you’ll find it. – Janet

BONUS! (Applies to all) – Dont be surprised to find your workspace vandalized. You have enemies. – Janet





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Austin Davis

Writer, Co-Founder, Doer

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